I think I had five different dreams last night... and you were in all of them.
I was almost in tears when I woke up. I missed you that much.
I still don't quite get it. I just don't understand. Why now?
I wish I could control my subconscious.
insuspension
Still...
Thoughts of you have been drifting through my mind recently.
Memories have been replaying in my mind... beginning like snapshots frozen in time then playing out before my eyes.
Sensations came to life. I could feel the back of your fingertips tracing down my cheek. I could feel your lips caressing my skin. I could feel you pinning me up against the wall. I could feel your gaze upon me from across the room. I can still hear you whisper sweet words of seduction.
Tears fall and I can't help but wonder what I'm still doing in this place... what these thoughts are still doing in my head... why are you still everywhere I turn (even when you're 300 miles away)?
You're still in my dreams, you're still in my thoughts, you're still in my heart...
maybe I just have to accept that for now.
Memories have been replaying in my mind... beginning like snapshots frozen in time then playing out before my eyes.
Sensations came to life. I could feel the back of your fingertips tracing down my cheek. I could feel your lips caressing my skin. I could feel you pinning me up against the wall. I could feel your gaze upon me from across the room. I can still hear you whisper sweet words of seduction.
Tears fall and I can't help but wonder what I'm still doing in this place... what these thoughts are still doing in my head... why are you still everywhere I turn (even when you're 300 miles away)?
You're still in my dreams, you're still in my thoughts, you're still in my heart...
maybe I just have to accept that for now.
No Falls - Cut me loose?
I'm starting to understand that maybe this was for the best. It's been more painful than I ever could have imagined, and it's left me feeling incomplete... but maybe that's better than the alternative.
You don't want to grow up. You'll pull the "I'm young" card as often as possible to dodge responsibility or consequences. I think you're making poor decisions just to make them--not because it's really what you want to do, but because you want to make them while you can still blame it on your age. That's sad to me.
You're afraid of failure. So afraid, in fact, that you won't ever try. I can't count the number of times you've said you need to go back to school, or that you want to find a different job... because you don't want to be a lifer at Walmart. Yet you won't go back to school until you figure out with all certainty what you want to be studying. Most of the careers you're interested require more school, but you won't pick one and go for it. Your drive for success is dwarfed by your fear of failure. That's almost pathetic. How will you ever do anything great, live up to your potential, if you only talk and never act?
You'd really only be holding me back right now. It's a bit scary to be able to say that, but I think it's the truth.
I don't want to be a kid forever, and I'm getting to the point where I'm ready for my adult life to start. I'm ready to find a career that makes me happy, and figure out where I want to live and spend my life.
Recently you've been at the bars probably 4 days a week. That's fine, I guess, and I won't pass judgement. You can't be drinking that much because you wouldn't be able to afford getting drunk at a bar so often. It just leaves me asking why. What are you looking for at the bar? Why is it that you and your friends resort to that (so often) as a reason to hang out, rather than getting together at someone's house or doing a different activity? To me it seems like you must have to be drunk to tolerate eachother. That's the view from the outside and I'm sure it's skewed, but I just don't understand. If we were together that would bother me a lot, because it would drastically cut down on our talk time, and I'm not sure that the trust you had built up with me still exists.
You want to live it up. You want to be dumb and young. You want to live the single life.
I can't help but think that in a year or two, or whenever you get sick of that single lifestyle... or perhaps when all of your older friends settle down... you'll look back at what you had in me and feel the way I've been feeling now. You'll remember everything we had, and everything we had planned. You'll remember the way we were going to build our lives together. Maybe you'll even wish you could still have that. Maybe once you're ready for marriage, a family, and a career you'll wish you still had me.
Of course I could be wrong. Maybe, in fact, you were never in love with me. Maybe breaking up with me and moving on was so easy for you because you weren't as committed or attached to me as I was to you. Maybe you never really wanted the things you said you did... but if all that's true I just don't understand how. How could you say that you were so in love with me, that you were the luckiest guy in the world, that we were lucky for having found love at such a young age and having the rest of our lives to be together, how could you talk about when we had kids and when we got married--not just to me but to your family as well? I just don't get it. I probably never will.
But I'm realizing that I don't want you now. I still want you then... I still want the you that I had. But I'm not sure that he exists anymore. I think you're hiding him deep down inside because it scares you to have those feelings and to grow up so quickly, so you're suppressing them and covering them up by living the wild life, and you don't deserve me now. Maybe I'll never find what we had again, but I'm not going to settle for less. I won't be trampled on, disrespected, or made to feel insignificant... because I'm a great person and I deserve someone who will treat me like I am.
You don't want to grow up. You'll pull the "I'm young" card as often as possible to dodge responsibility or consequences. I think you're making poor decisions just to make them--not because it's really what you want to do, but because you want to make them while you can still blame it on your age. That's sad to me.
You're afraid of failure. So afraid, in fact, that you won't ever try. I can't count the number of times you've said you need to go back to school, or that you want to find a different job... because you don't want to be a lifer at Walmart. Yet you won't go back to school until you figure out with all certainty what you want to be studying. Most of the careers you're interested require more school, but you won't pick one and go for it. Your drive for success is dwarfed by your fear of failure. That's almost pathetic. How will you ever do anything great, live up to your potential, if you only talk and never act?
You'd really only be holding me back right now. It's a bit scary to be able to say that, but I think it's the truth.
I don't want to be a kid forever, and I'm getting to the point where I'm ready for my adult life to start. I'm ready to find a career that makes me happy, and figure out where I want to live and spend my life.
Recently you've been at the bars probably 4 days a week. That's fine, I guess, and I won't pass judgement. You can't be drinking that much because you wouldn't be able to afford getting drunk at a bar so often. It just leaves me asking why. What are you looking for at the bar? Why is it that you and your friends resort to that (so often) as a reason to hang out, rather than getting together at someone's house or doing a different activity? To me it seems like you must have to be drunk to tolerate eachother. That's the view from the outside and I'm sure it's skewed, but I just don't understand. If we were together that would bother me a lot, because it would drastically cut down on our talk time, and I'm not sure that the trust you had built up with me still exists.
You want to live it up. You want to be dumb and young. You want to live the single life.
I can't help but think that in a year or two, or whenever you get sick of that single lifestyle... or perhaps when all of your older friends settle down... you'll look back at what you had in me and feel the way I've been feeling now. You'll remember everything we had, and everything we had planned. You'll remember the way we were going to build our lives together. Maybe you'll even wish you could still have that. Maybe once you're ready for marriage, a family, and a career you'll wish you still had me.
Of course I could be wrong. Maybe, in fact, you were never in love with me. Maybe breaking up with me and moving on was so easy for you because you weren't as committed or attached to me as I was to you. Maybe you never really wanted the things you said you did... but if all that's true I just don't understand how. How could you say that you were so in love with me, that you were the luckiest guy in the world, that we were lucky for having found love at such a young age and having the rest of our lives to be together, how could you talk about when we had kids and when we got married--not just to me but to your family as well? I just don't get it. I probably never will.
But I'm realizing that I don't want you now. I still want you then... I still want the you that I had. But I'm not sure that he exists anymore. I think you're hiding him deep down inside because it scares you to have those feelings and to grow up so quickly, so you're suppressing them and covering them up by living the wild life, and you don't deserve me now. Maybe I'll never find what we had again, but I'm not going to settle for less. I won't be trampled on, disrespected, or made to feel insignificant... because I'm a great person and I deserve someone who will treat me like I am.
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